Unfettered Blather

My selection process for DVD’s is usually good enough that I don’t actually purchase a movie unless I plan on watching it multiple times. Thus, this list is really the worst of my best since I enjoyed most every movie on here except the #1 slot. Also, I will admit that I love a bad movie and many of these are movies I acknowledge as being simply terrible but have a special place in my heart all the same.

WORST DVD’S OF 2008
	#10 Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets I’ve never read the Harry Potter books and I don’t really plan on doing so anytime soon. I do, however, enjoy the movies as do my kids. I will say that Chamber of Secrets is an obvious sophmore effort that is trying far too hard to get its feet under itself. We are starting to see some of the familiar tropes, everyone suspects Harry even though it’s obvious that Harry is always being set-up by evil forces. That and Harry is apparently above the rules. Still, the ending is strong even if it does contain the typical Deus Ex Machina that I’ve come to know and love from J.K. Rowling.
	#9 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban I appreciate the darker direction of the film with the contrast of Harry and friends starting to grow up, but I felt it was just a little too dark at times. There is an attempt at a plot twist that is glaringly obvious and definitely far too much convenience whenever it comes to Harry.
	#8 Fifth Element Luc Beeson’s sci-fi epic that I think he wrote in elementary school or something. Honestly, this is a simply terrible film that does at least make appropriate use of Bruce Willis. Gaudy, often pointless, and tries to be deeper than it could possibly accomplish. Essentially the cotton candy of science fiction.
	#7 Batman: Gotham Knight One of the few DVD’s on the list I did not actually enjoy. I purchased this because it was Batman and because Kevin Conroy, who did the voice of Batman on the old animated series, returned to do this series of short films. Despite claiming to tie together Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, it really doesn’t do anything and seems to have little to do with the films at all. Furthermore, the animation quality ranges from excellent to terrible, but the stories are all pretty forgettable.
	#6 Real Genius After watching this with my wife I understand you might just need a certain mindset to enjoy this film. Val Kilmer plays the roommate and reluctant mentor to a 15 year old kid who is admitted into an advanced technical college. There is a largely unnecessary “military is evil” subplot that drives the movie but mostly we just want to see geeks behaving badly. A movie I highly recommend for people who work in a field that attracts brilliant but socially inept individuals.
	#5 Alvin and the Chipmunks Yes, I did actually like this. All the same, I wish Hollywood would give kids a little credit. You don’t have to be quite so formulaic. Despite being “Alvin and the Chipmunks”, it goes by such a standard paint-by-numbers plot development that you could have made it a movie about any set of characters. At the very least we know it’s going to be a happily ever after ending so don’t try so hard to convince us they just might not work it all out. Entertaining to watch with the kids, but can’t say I would have subjected myself to it without them.
	#4 Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man When one of your favorite bad movies is in the $5 bin at Wal-Mart you do not say “NO!” I was pleasantly surprised to see that my appreciation for the badness of this movie is not nostalgia. This is a truly bad movie with very little logic but oddly enjoyable to watch. Although there is one scene where gas was something like $3.50 a gallon and at the time I was thinking that was a good deal! Funny how close some of these “future” movies get to the mark.
	#3 Ice Pirates Ice Pirates is a movie that doesn’t make any sense, mostly because it didn’t have the budget to afford anything like copy editors of consultants. I think, maybe, it is trying to parody something but I couldn’t tell you what. I love this movie, mostly for its portrayal of robots and willingness to stoop as low as it can for a joke. Look for Ron Perlman looking surprisingly physically unimposing in this movie!
	#2 RV I laughed at this movie, I laughed long and hard. The story of an over-worked over-the-hill Dad who tries to combine his family vacation and a project at work without telling either side what he is up to has predictable results. There is actually a pretty good message here and good comedic moments, but not enough to redeem the movie overall. I will long look to Cheryl Hines as my “go to” actress for playing the wife or girlfriend in poorly made family comedies thanks to this and her previous work in the last Herbie movie. Way to get yourself typecast!
	#1 Ben 10: Race Against Time I’m not going to bother explaining the premise of Ben 10 because even if you don’t know then you’ll be less tempted to pick this up. Even if you’re a Ben 10 fan or your kids love Ben 10, as mine do, you’ll want to avoid this live action movie. I get the distinct impression that they weren’t trying very hard. What is particularly painful is watching Lee Majors, and some other decent actors whose names I won’t drag through the mud, playing the old fogey now. I know the man is old and probably needs the work, but is this what he wants to do in his twilight years?

2008 was the year of the comic book movie for me, with 5 of the top ten being based on comic book characters. There were still great non-comic book movies out there and a few late arrivals from 2007 that I finally got around to watching. Surprisingly, Freddie Highmore managed to appear in two of the top ten films. Not an actor I’m particularly fond of but I have to admit he did good work.

BEST MOVIES OF 2008
	#10 Bourne Supremacy The Bourne trilogy is an odd duck in that every movie is slightly worse than the last. Most of the time the 2nd movie is the weak link, the obligatory bridge between the introduction of the first movie and the ultimate resolution of the third. The Bourne Supremacy is essentially a revenge tale and it works so very well. Bourne is framed as the boogeyman for the killings of secret agents despite the fact he is hiding in India. He might not even have known about the frame up but the real killers decide to eliminate him as well. This just sets him on their trail. Like the first movie there is a good mix of intrigue and action, not to mention some outstanding chase sequences. It does lack the desperation of the first movie, which is pretty natural. The movie plays out well and there is a significant scene here that plays out in the 3rd film but it’s nothing to get worked up over since you really could walk away from this film and never bother with the third.
	#9 Wanted I have a difficult time with Wanted because it shared deplorable characters just like Knocked Up and is vulgar and crude in its own right, though not quite as sophmoric. Also, the ending is terrible. On the other hand, it had some of the best action and special effects I’ve seen this year and the story itself is rather clever. Not the least bit true to its comic book source material but that’s a good thing from what I’ve read. The story is essentially about a standard office drone who doesn’t know he has extraordinary abilities and is recruited by an elite group of assassins who also possess superhuman abilities. A pretty decent action flick that decides to do more than just rip-off the Matrix for the umpteenth time. Awesome special effects, amazing stunts, and has some truly unique confrontations.
	#8 The Spiderwick Chronicles This was a surprise for me. A modern day children’s fantasy seemed like it would be too basic, too kiddie. I was surprised that they were allowed to show people getting hurt, they gave a surprisingly grim view of a broken family trying to cope, and weren’t afraid of a few legitimate scares here and there. Yet it never goes overboard, the kids still loved it and I loved watching it. One particular plot point to note, one of the kids is actually proficient in combat. I think it’s a sad commentary that it’s so rare that a film shows taking a stand and fighting as a legitimate option.
	#7 August Rush Curse you Freddie Highmore! This movie is pure schmaltz and probably best not analyzed too closely. Surprisingly heart-warming even though you can see the ending coming from the beginning of the movie. Still, a classic happy ending and very engaging film. I really enjoyed the somewhat unique musical score.
	#6 Hellboy II: The Golden Army I won’t use the word “whimsy” too often when describing an over-the-top hyper masculine action hero, but Hellboy II is full of whimsy. Del Toro is obviously still pretty stuck on Pan’s Labyrinth but he uses that obsession to full effect. I loved the portrayal of an underground hidden community of fantastic creatures and it would have been interesting to focus more on how Hellboy and the other agents are effectively their “police”. The opening conflict will also offer a new spin on the tooth fairy that will be difficult to forget.
	#5 Dan in Real Life I’m not a big fan of romantic comedies simply because they are so formulaic. Yet Steve Carrell does his usual standout job and I found myself genuinely liking his character. Unfortunately, the plot sometimes lurches along as it is dedicated to following the laws of romantic comedies, but when it is not forced to that constraint it is funny and entertaining.
	#4 Kung Fu Panda Yet another film that I was dragged to by the kids that I ended up enjoying immensely. Anyone who has seen the previews knows it’s the standard tale of an unlikely hero who inevitably saves the day. Plenty of humor and decent action follows without ever going over the top or trying too hard not to offend anyone.
	#3 The Incredible Hulk I thought the last Hulk movie was terrible and cemented Ang Lee as one of my least favorite directors. The concept of the Hulk is not terribly complicated and has been explored by comics for decades. Fortunately, the creators of this movie actually figured it out, took a page from the TV series, and Ed Norton does a great Bruce Banner. Liv Tyler, hardly one of my favorite actresses, actually does better as Betsy Ross than Jennifer Connelly, who is one of my favorite actresses. Of course, Tim Roth deserves incredible props for his sinister yet sympathetic bad guy who sees the Hulk as a way to undo what age has done to his body.
	#2 Iron Man There is bias here. Iron Man has always been one of my favorite characters and I’m going to go into a movie like this liking the premise right away. That doesn’t change the fact that Robert Downey Jr. probably deserves an Oscar for his portrayal of Tony Stark. I’m still disappointed they gimped Iron Man for the final fight, but the rest of the movie is simply outstanding.
	#1 The Dark Knight As much as I love Iron Man, I cannot ignore what a great movie Christopher Nolan has put together. The movie is not without its problems, but what really earns it the top spot is the incredible intensity the movie delivers. The constant back-and-forth between Batman and the Joker is as much a battle of wits as it is a physical confrontation. In the last movie we didn’t get to see as much of Batman’s deductive reasoning, but we see it here watching him trying to stay one step ahead of the Joker. The real downer is the inability of Heath Ledger to reprise his role as the Joker due to his untimely death.

I kind of hate this list more than most because there are some movies that I really enjoyed that were still quite bad. On the book list the worst run the gamut of mediocre to bad and most of the games are well and truly bad. Yet everything from #5 to #10 actually weren’t terrible though maybe not great. You hit #8 and you’re talking about movies that I am actually glad I watched this year.

WORST MOVIES OF 2008
	#10 Bourne Ultimatum I like the Bourne movies even if I’ve never read the books. They’ve been engaging and Matt Damon plays up Bourne pretty well. He’s not James Bond, he can actually blend into a crowd, I can buy into the idea that this guy is a spy. Remarkable but unremarkable. However, it seems like storytellers just can’t let an enigmatic hero go and once you get into his origin it is always a letdown. Yes, the final movie in the trilogy is essentially about how Jason Bourne became Jason Bourne and it’s a story they probably should have just left alone. As I warned, this isn’t a bad film and probably just a sly to the side of being a good film, but definitely the weakest of the franchise. That’s odd because in trilogies it’s usually the second movie that is the weakest, but I’d say they could have let it drop after the second film. I had heard in advance that scenes from the 2nd film tie into the 3rd, but it’s not near as clever or as interesting as it sounds.
	#9 The Game Plan If there is one thing I love about Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson it is that he doesn’t take himself too seriously. Go watch The Rundown and then try to picture someone like Steven Seagal doing that movie! This is a little too cute but still genuinely funny movie that tries way too hard to tackle things like divorce and absentee fathers while treading that fine Disney line. These are not family friendly topics and you’re not going to make a good movie out of it while aiming for a comedy that will appeal to kids. Funny but not serious, accomplishes what it sets out to do, “The Rock” dresses like a tree and dances ballet, end of story.
	#8 Live Free of Die Hard As a brainless action flick this is actually decent, but if you have even the tiniest inkling of how computers actually work I suggest you have that part of your brain surgically removed prior to viewing. At this point I think we just need to quit making these movies. The original film was fine and it didn’t need a follow up. Everything they’ve attempted to do since has barely even resembled the original film. The character and the series just needs to be retired and this is probably all the send-off that is necessary.
	#7 Igor I don’t remember why I went to go see this. I think we were bored and wanted to go see a movie and this was the only thing appropriate for the whole family that was out at the time. The basic premise of the movie is about mad scientists (YES!) and their helpers that are all hunchbacks called Igors collectively (I can deal with that) and one Igor bucking the trend by becoming a mad scientist himself (Typical Hollywood Trope, I feel neutral). However, the entire film is just a mess, the story seems to drag on too long, and the characters are confusing and the plot “twist” is going to be obvious to even the elementary school audience it is intended for. With so many animated films out there I don’t see the point of this one. Avoid.
	#6 The Golden Compass I really wanted to like this movie despite the obvious anti-Christian themes in it. There are just not enough decent fantasy films out there and some of the concepts are just fantastic. Armored bears! Yet the movie commits a cardinal sin, it is obviously set up for a sequel and does nothing to resolve the story. I can forgive that in the middle film of an obvious trilogy, but for a first release with no promise of follow on films that was a brain-dead manuever. Even the Fellowship of the Ring hedged their bets by including the beginning of the Two Towers into the end of the first movie just to give it better closure. Even without that problem the film is just too droll and boring, with most of the first third of the film being more about backroom political dealings and the rest of the film just plods along with something interesting happening every now and again. I decided against seeing this with the kids because I don’t see it holding their interest despite some fabulous set pieces.
	#5 Bee Movie Somebody must have thought bees suing over the honey they produced would be comedy gold or that a romance between a human and a bee wouldn’t be the least bit creepy. They would be wrong on both accounts. This is a simply terrible movie.
	#4 Shoot ‘Em Up Look, if I know one thing it is that I am easily entertained. The brainless action flick is a regular entertainment staple for me any year. The idea behind this film seemed simple enough but it was really ridiculous and even too over the top for me! Also, an action movie is probably the wrong place for an anti-gun message. Actually, even that was handled poorly. I hate to rake this movie over the coals as Monica Bellucci is an incredibly hot actress despite her age and I love Clive Owen. Yet the two of them just could not save this utter mess of a movie.
	#3 Next The basic premise is about a man who can see 3 minutes into the future. That’s a neat trick and all but, to spoil the movie, any movie that essentially ends with “It was all just a dream” needs to not even bother. I’m sure the film makers thought they could be the exception but it doesn’t really work. Also, the idea of being able to see 3 minutes into the future is an interesting concept but how exactly that would work seems kind of odd to me. It creates a logical paradox that introduces far too much cognitive dissonance in a movie that doesn’t deserve any deep thoughts about it. Clearly the filmmakers didn’t put any deep thought into it.
	#2 Mr. Bean’s Holiday I think Rowan Atkinson is genius and I love the Mr. Bean skits but I think some things just shouldn’t be made into movies. Oh sure, my oldest son loved it, but despite the cleverness of the individual skits the movie was oddly adult unfriendly.
	#1 Knocked Up In general I can make it 45 minutes into a bad movie. Knocked up didn’t make it to 10. Every character they introduced was deplorable. Why do I want to watch a movie about these people? They all suck! Each and every one of them is the source of their greatest misery. Combine unsympathetic and downright irritating characters with the outright crudity of the film attempting to be humorous and it was recipe for early dismissal. Judd Apatow has an incredible knack for creating films that get a great deal of hype but then after an attempt at watching I quickly find there are legions of people talking about how awful the films are. Hey, where are you people BEFORE I watch these films? I have since learned to avoid anything Apatow touches.

I know some people don’t like the phrase “Your own worst enemy” but I keep seeing evidence of how true this is.

The problem with fandom is that ultimately it begins to fester (not “foster”) a feeling of entitlement. Fans begin to develop expectations that are going to be a detriment to the success of whatever franchise they feel so emotionally invested in. I’m not really sure why fans continue to do this. Businesses have made it clear that if they have to choose between making fans happy and being profitable they’ll choose the money every time. They are not evil for doing so. They have employees with families to consider. Making fans happy and making money can be the same thing but when its not the fans will lose. What many fans continue to not grasp is that they are a minority. They think they are a majority but echo chambers always amplify the noise. Loud in volume but small in number, they have appointed themselves the keeper of intellectual properties they do not own and defend them fiercely despite a continual disregard for the very existence of the fans by the real owners of those properties.

I scratch my head and wonder at how thick people can be to detest a thing because it isn’t exactly what they wanted. Most recently it was Fallout 3 for me, a perfectly awesome game that did depart somewhat from the originals, but I think the originals are being regarded a bit too highlt. My favorite example is the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy. Again, I think the fans views are distorted. I re-read the Lord of the Rings and was quickly reminded how much fluff and nonsensical crap was in it. Tolkein, great writer that he was, could become obsessed describing the moss on a rock. As I re-read the books I found myself skipping entire paragraphs as he insisted on painstakingly describing the landscape. The landscape! Fans cried foul that there was no Tom Bombadil, but I didn’t even miss him. Guess I’m not a fan? Doesn’t matter, I’m there for the experience, the story, the entertainment. I acknowledge that Peter Jackson took some liberties with Lord of the Rings but he also made the best fantasy film series I’ve ever seen while staying true to the source material.

Let’s tackle Fallout while we’re at it. I’m pretty sure people are remembering these games better than they were. I have people now telling me how great Fallout: Tactics was and how much they missed it. That seems pretty different from the cries of blasphemy when the game was first produced. Does it get a pass now because it was yet another isometric 2D sprite game? What makes Fallout 3 such an abomination but Fallout: Tactics is so fondly remembered? I have many people tell me Fallout 2 is one of the best games they ever played. Was I playing something else? What I remember was a game that crashed repeatedly, had game crippling bugs, and could easily take 10 minutes or more to load a game or area because of a memory leak that shipped in the game. Most of these issues were patched out later, but the first run of the game was horribly broken. Even after it was patched, the game setting itself was horribly inconsistent, as if the designers had run out of ideas and decided to just abandon the idea of a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland whenever it became inconvenient. The whole game smacked of trying too hard. I’m not saying Fallout 2 was horrible, at least not once it was patched, but it was hardly the same level of genius as the original game.

If anything, Fallout 3 is the closest to the original game despite abandoning the classic top-down isometric perspective and opting for a first-person view. It leverages modern technology to make an attempt at a more immersive experience. For the most part it works and the game is genius in its own right. Yet the fans are going to turn up their noses and sneer at it because it wasn’t done the way they wanted?

Here’s the real problem. No two fans are going to agree completely. Companies don’t try to make fans happy because it’s impossible. If being a fan means I have to actually stop enjoying the things I enjoy now, I hope to never be a fan again.

I know it’s fashionable to bag on web comics these days, but beating them over the head seems rather like singling out one clown in an entire circus for ridicule. Before we are too harsh on web comics lets think of all the user contributed media out there people are “sharing” and wasting untold amounts of bandwidth on. Do a random Youtube search using the words “high school” or “college” the next time you want to talk about how crappy web comic efforts are or look up random crap sites like ebaums.

That being said I am going to make a few comments on some things that I dislike about web comics, not to get tangental, but to point out that it really is the simplest things that makes a web comic entertaining.

I generally don’t read web comics much anymore but I used to have a rather large cadre I would visit on a daily basis. My commentary is strictly from the view of a reader, mainly because it feels like the same formulaic media. The flip side is, just like most traditional media, it is neither clever or funny (I call it “Jimmy Fallon Disease”).

1. Its not just about the comic. Web comics aren’t just about making the reader chuckle. That idea is as outdated as the comics printed in traditional media. Most are visual blogs for the author and if the author doesn’t have something relevant to say then the comic will suffer. I’ve seen some solid comics with no associated blog post. It feels detached. I’m not saying every comic has to have a phone book attached, but seeing the comic relate to something real or personal, even being told the motivation will suffice.

2. Stop selling us your crap. I’m a big free enterprise guy and I believe we should be able to succeed at what we love. That being said, web comics often feel like shallow vessels to sell T-shirts, posters, advertising space and whatever else the author can peddle. A lot of comics build a fan base they usually evolve in to milking for cash. This isn’t always cynical or crass, sometimes they fail to realize it until it’s too late.

This is one of the primary reasons I barely read Penny-Arcade anymore. While I’ve always gone there for Tycho’s post (and still do - I love good writing), the old Penny-Arcade where the two authors bounced conversations off each other and complimented posts are gone. Tycho posts, Gabe shills whatever crap they are going to put on ebay, sell at their expo or print on t-shirts. There is always a balance to your success. If you are popular enough to sell merchandise, then by all means do it, but retain some sense of pride in your work and avoid the Krusty the Clown route of slapping your logo on anything and attaching a price tag. If you are too busy trying to run a business based on a comic to the extent your aren’t maintaining the concept, thats rather a serious dilemma isn’t it?

3. I don’t really care about your problems I read web comics for the same reason I read blogs, to read news, find amusing or interesting information or a new insight. What I do not care about is your daily nonsense where you try to evoke empathy or sympathy from me. Want to angst? Go to live journal or myspace. Few people ever devolve in to the sniveling mess that Tokyo Pop became, but there are plenty of examples of mainstream comics forgetting that the audience has limited patience for sorry excuses.

If you do become a success, spare us the details of why you are too busy to write the comics or have writer’s block, it’s just lame in the extreme. The comics comes first, thats what made you what you are.

4.Cheap, distasteful or bathroom humor I’m no prude, I love black humor and cynicism. I can also appreciate a fart joke if it’s done well enough but a lot of web comics take the easy way out and use human waste or shock value as a means to fill out their line-up. Part of this is to display they are “edgy”, a term best classified as “being rebellious in a completely conformist way”. Every web comic seems to do it at least once to show they aren’t newspaper friendly. The phrase “everybody gets one” comes to mind but after a while if you keep hammering the same theme or simply trying to be offensive in the most trite way possible, it gets tired. The Internet is built on body odor humor and shock value so please don’t think your attempt at it is unique or funny

5. Consistency sells. While I am less consistent because of my random life, Jason has always been a huge proponent of consistency in web efforts ever since we started talking and working on websites together. Websites aren’t graveyards, but active, living entities. It is rare Jason doesn’t post daily here. Most of all, he doesn’t complain how life isn’t fair or he is just out of things to say. A lot of blogs and comics do this and nothing could possibly be more uninteresting..