Unfettered Blather

I’ve been casually dating lately and I receive the complement of being called “sweet” when I do nice things. I was taught to be a gentleman and generally when I do what is right or show concern for one of the ladies in question I am repaid with this. I can’t think of a compliment I’d rather not receive.

I’m not some kind of tough guy or emotionally inept individual. I’m generally just a normal guy but there is something about being called sweet that kinda makes my skin crawl.

Oh thats right, thats because deep down inside, I’m a total bastard.

I generally don’t compliment well. I do what I do not because I am sweet or nice, but because I feel its the right thing to do. I have standards I treat and yes, judge people by. I feel certain people deserve to be treated well. I’m not saying these are just mechanical functions, I do care about certain people and I look out for them because that is an expression of my caring for them. I send birthday gifts not because its an obligation but because I want to make said person happy and express my feelings. A gift from me is a genuine gift and I try to expend a respectable effort to make sure they get something they want.

That being said, I feel everyone should do this and I am in no way special or deserve recognition for it. People fail to realize unless I honestly tell them I care about them, I can do nice things for others based on my ethics but feel zero compassion or concern while doing them unless I find some reason to care.

Part of the reason I cringe at certain compliments (while they are always treated with appreciation) is the fact that I’m honestly not a very nice person. I’m mean and there really isn’t any other way to describe it. Most people that known me scoff at it, but frankly it’s true and realizing that has made it easier for me to overcome my flaws and to deal with my personality. I may be a bastard inside but part of being a good person is not letting my real nature overcome and rule me.

I’ve never believe people are predisposed toward good because I never was. I can’t assume about individuals by a standard I cannot experience.

Compliments bother me because I don’t really feel like being called something I’m not, and thats nice. To be honest its all too easy for me to dismiss things like pain and suffering and were it not for the ethics and morals taught to me at a young age and reinforced by good mentors, odds are I probably wouldn’t be a person you would want to really know and I realize that.

That being said, give me a reason to treat you like a creep and its about all I can do to keep from plumbing the depths of my dark side to make your life miserable. I don’t care enough about you to go out of my way to ruin your day, but you know, if we’re already here and it’s kinda on my way…

Others abuse it as a bunch of self-serving bravado and most roll their eyes when people say they are bastards. You can be tough without being a bastard. I’ve known tough bastards and the difference is pretty startling. I would gladly pick a fight with a tough guy before I would with a tough bastard.

Its hard to share these feelings with people simply because so many are conditioned to ignore them or to reject them as not being possible. Few people unless they share the same traits and struggle seem to even grasp the concept. Its a rare few I ever discuss this with because it reveals one of the most fundamental aspects of my personality that generally isn’t acceptable to discuss in today’s anger-free, “everyone is fine” culture. Nobody wants to think of others as having the possibility of being rotten. Most want to believe people are fundamentally good. I rejected the idea. I’ve never believe people are predisposed toward good because I never was. I can’t assume about individuals by a standard I cannot experience.

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